Stuck
Living, when you realise you’re just a rat
Is 3 months left until becoming 24 years old too early for having a quarter life crisis?
Its funny how I used to go around saying to everyone that I am just a kid, how people treated me like a kid, and how that made it okay for me to be a kid. As time passes by, I feel less and less like a kid, and really, just plain old.
It’s easy to feel the world moving around at lightspeed, leaving you behind, in the dust, when you’re sitting alone in your room, working in a field (AI) which moves at speeds invoking relativistic effects, and in a city full of dust (Noida).
Is it normal, or is it just me, who spends most of his time, feeling stuck, with no fucking clue about what to do with his future (while people tell him, he’s sorted, what am I, an array?).
I am at that weird point in my career, where the things I can do are mostly individualistic in nature, and by definition not scalable, leading to a feeling of almost minimal impact, which was fine, when I was a student, and could always wait to enter the “real” world to do something impactful. While with the years stacking in experience, there is this growing desire to do something which I can be proud of (my current proudest professional acheivement till now is breaking something on the world’s 2nd most used search engine, ah…while I was employed there :P ). This leads to feeling stuck in my career as well, with no clear path ahead, the age old dilemma of being an IC vs a manager in the future looming closer and closer in the already big list of dilemmas inside my mind.
I have developed so many interests, and have tried picking up so many skills, but atleast at the moment, I am mediocre in all of them, and that adds to the feeling of being stuck, always waiting for somehow being able to crack open the box, (maybe by repeatedly banging your head against it lol).
I don’t know what the future holds for me, I don’t even know if I have a future, or even how many days it consists of, but I hope I am able to unstuck myself a bit, or else it might end up suffocating me and be my end.
But ah well —
The best case is I’m a rat who might be able to look up at the clouds once in a while
- I have no clue who said this, neither does google :P
